♟️ The Metagame #034: Fear Is Holding You Back

Welcome back to the 34th edition of The Metagame ♟️

Here’s what you’ll be learning about today:

• My tales as the “uke”

• The Spotlight Effect

• The Beginner’s Mentality

Read time: 4 minutes

When I first started training in Krav Maga, I picked up the techniques, styles, and lingo pretty quickly. Before long, I earned a special title in the class: uke—the Japanese word for “receiver.”

In other words, I was the go-to person for getting absolutely wrecked during demonstrations.

Arm bars. Wrist locks. Ground takedowns. You name it—I was the crash test dummy for it.

Just this past weekend, we had a guest instructor come in to teach ground defense. And once again, I was picked to be the uke.

At first, it was pretty embarrassing. I was getting punched and kicked and thrown to the ground and folded like a pretzel in front of everyone.

I was the example for how to be disarmed, dismantled, and dominated 20 different ways.

But over time, being the uke taught me two lessons.

1. You learn more by being on the receiving end.

Practically speaking, being uke gave a firsthand insight on what each technique felt like.

Have you ever heard the saying, “Don’t dish out what you can’t take?” Well, I definitely took.

It’s one thing to learn how to disarm a gun attacker. It’s an entirely different thing to feel the pain of having your shoulder locked out, forcing you to stumble backwards and drop the weapon altogether.

Being the one pinned helped me learn the mechanics faster. I knew where the pressure points were because I felt them myself.

And that sped up my progress more than anything else.

2. Nobody’s really watching you anyway.

This is the whole reason I’m writing this.

After getting tossed around like a rag doll in front of 15 people, I realized something strange: nobody cared.

Yes, they were technically watching me—but they weren’t watching me. They were watching the technique.

This is the Spotlight Effect in full bloom.

The Spotlight Effect is the tendency for us to overestimate how much others notice or care about us. We think our lives are the most important thing in the world (and in our world, we are!), but we have to remember that everyone’s too busy being the main character in their own story.

This clicked for me back in college when a friend shared one of my all-time favorite words:

Read that again. It changes everything.

Once you truly internalize that you are not the most important thing in someone else’s head, it frees you. You stop obsessing over how you look, how you sound, or how awkward you feel. You just exist, and have the freedom to do whatever you want.

Embrace Being a Beginner

Nobody starts off an expert. Mozart had to press his first piano key. Serena had to hit her first serve. My Krav Maga instructor had to throw his first punch.

Everyone starts somewhere.

But most people avoid starting anything new altogether because they’re afraid to look stupid. To avoid embarrassment, they stay in their comfort zone—and risk getting stuck there forever.

If you want to achieve anything in life—whether it’s a new language, how to code, a new sport, a musical instrument, a new hobby, anything—you have to start by, well, starting.

Remember, most people are too focused on themselves and how they look to even think twice about how you look.

Try to think about what your coworker who sits next to you was wearing yesterday. Did you notice their bad hair day? Or that they forgot to wear their favorite bracelet?

We stress over so many little things, but the pain and embarrassment and stress are all made up in our heads.

And when it comes to learning something new and being a beginner, it’s the same thing.

Even the so-called “experts” in a field still feel they’re not adequate enough.

It’s called Imposter Syndrome, and everyone suffers from it.

So instead of succumbing to the fear of embarrassment (which will never go away), embrace it and remember that embarrassment is a fantasy you create in your own head.

But What If I Still Receive Criticism?

Every once in a while, you run across a contemptible person who offers you unsolicited criticism.

My response is this:

Never accept criticism from someone you’d never go to for advice.

There are some mean-spirited people in this world. Some like to inflict pain on others because it makes them feel better about where they are. Some criticize because they’re insecure. Some are just plain ol’ mean.

If this is the case, thank them for showing you how much further along you truly are.

Because remember: People below water will try to drag you down with them. People above water will help pull you up.

Playing the Game

Being the uke is a humbling yet eye-opening experience.

It’s a reminder that the hardest part about learning something new isn’t the practice.

It’s the start.

Don’t let the fear of failure stop you from doing something you love. Because your haters are just dealing with their own insecurities, your motivators will cheer you on, and the rest aren’t even thinking about you.

So go do that “embarrassing” thing.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Quote of the week

Thanks for reading!

If you have any questions, hit me up on LinkedIn or on 𝕏 at @sam_starkman, or feel free to reply to this email!

— Sam